is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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