Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
