he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
