Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize