new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
