need another drink. this is the easiest way
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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