your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
