I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
