why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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