I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Randomize
