A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
You took a bar mat shot.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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