The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
