How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
