Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Randomize
