rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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