were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
