So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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