Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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