I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
