Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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