Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
