we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
