so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
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Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
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My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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