This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
