I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
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