party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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