I think I died a long time ago.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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