I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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