Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
