he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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