I just pynch a tree in the face
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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