I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
