dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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