Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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