His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
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and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
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We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
jump out the window naked night went bad
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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