i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
