How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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