....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
