Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
