He felt like a one man threesome
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
