so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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