I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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