I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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