hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
