So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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