I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
