after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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