I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
But theres a keg here and me gusta
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
