she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
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The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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