i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
