i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
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