i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
