You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
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