He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
