I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
