Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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